Thursday, May 31, 2012

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Short Prayer

I did not choose awareness, awareness choose me...and i accept it...i did not choose to know, the knowing choose me...and i accept it...amen...

Friday, February 24, 2012

Lived...

It is hereby decreed that: Article 1 – All lovers, of any sex, are alerted that love, besides being a blessing, is also something extremely dangerous, unpredictable and capable of causing serious damage. Consequently, anyone planning to love should be aware that they are exposing their body and soul to various types of wounds, and that they shall not be able to blame their partner at any moment, since the risk is the same for both. Article 2 – Once struck by a stray arrow fired from Cupid’s bow, they should immediately ask the archer to shoot the same arrow in the opposite direction, so as not to be afflicted by the wound known as “unrequited love”. Should Cupid refuse to perform such a gesture, the Convention now being promulgated demands that the wounded partner remove the arrow from his/her heart and throw it in the garbage. In order to guarantee this, those concerned should avoid telephone calls, messages over the Internet, sending flowers that are always returned, or each and every means of seduction, since these may yield results in the short run but always end up wrong after a while. The Convention decrees that the wounded person should immediately seek the company of other people and try to control the obsessive thought: “this person is worth fighting for”. Article 3 – If the wound is caused by third parties, in other words if the loved one has become interested in someone not in the script previously drafted, vengeance is expressly forbidden. In this case, it is allowed to use tears until the eyes dry up, to punch walls or pillows, to insult the ex-partner in conversations with friends, to allege his/her complete lack of taste, but without offending their honor. The Convention determines that the rule contained in Article 2 be applied: seek the company of other persons, preferably in places different from those frequented by the other party. Article 4 – In the case of light wounds, herein classified as small treacheries, fulminating passions that are short-lived, passing sexual disinterest, the medicine called Pardon should be applied generously and quickly. Once this medicine has been applied, one should never reconsider one’s decision, not even once, and the theme must be completely forgotten and never used as an argument in a fight or in a moment of hatred. Article 5 – In all definitive wounds, also known as “breaking up”, the only medicine capable of having an effect is called Time. It is no use seeking consolation from fortune-tellers (who always say that the lost lover will return), romantic books (which always have a happy ending), soap-operas on the television or other such things. One should suffer intensely, completely avoiding drugs, tranquilizers and praying to saints. Alcohol is only tolerated if kept to a maximum of two glasses of wine a day. Final determination: Those wounded in love, unlike those wounded in armed conflict, are neither victims nor torturers. They chose something that is part of life, and so they have to accept both the agony and the ecstasy of their choice. And those who have never been wounded in love will never be able to say: “I have lived”. Because they haven’t. By Paulo Coelho... Thanks Paulo.

Life...

The greatest tragedy of life is not death, but what we let to die within us.....

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

pain...

Why does it still hurt...i want this pain to go away....though it makes me stronger...but it hurts...a lot...every little empty space in my mind takes me there at every opportunity...and it hurts...how could you do this to me...how could you do this to me...how could you do this to me...

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Disguise?

I am scared he said...it was 4:06 in the morning and with a little courage and convincing i woke up to listen...I saw this guy, he was in a lot of pain, walking around aimlessly,watching people and families having a good time. He somehow did not care or feel the joy of others, he was in his own shell, covered by confusion, anger, pain, sadness and lost of faith. I watched as he went to a group of friends and offered to give them a good bargain on a magic stone he possesses, he said. He showed them the tricks the stone could do. One of them knew the disguise of this men the moment he laid his eyes on him. He could see through him and saw the trapped emotions in this guy and took a step back. The other two however were more impressed with the properties of this stone and took a step forward to discuss... After some brief negotiation on the price, the two friends quickly agreed to a price as they wanted this magical stone in their hands as quickly as possible. The man walked away into the crowd just as quickly as the deal was made. But the man was in disguise...the stone was not real...it turned out to be a rock from the streets. By the time the friends realized he was gone with the wind... I saw the fear in him as he told me this story...what happened i ask... The man was in disguise...was the magic in disguise too? he asked with some tears finding its way out of his eyes... Lets go for a walk i said as i got off the bed, grab my jacket and walked with him alongside...in silence...

Thursday, February 16, 2012

i listened...

How are you...i asked. And you know, i asked this everytime i am hit by this sharp pain that goes through my body and shocks my soul, sending my body into trembles...earlier i just use to cry out to ease the pain...but now i am stopping myself from letting it out through tears...i need to get hold of myself...i need to own this pain...this is my pain and i accept it...i simply accept it... i decided to listen this time...just listen... Why did she do this to me?...did she ever love me at all?...can you believe she asked me these questions too! he said raising his voice...i know he is hurt... It was so painful to hear her ask me these questions when i am the one should be asking...i am so alone without her...everything is such an effort now...I did not know how and when i had totally let her into my world...now every slap in my small little private world ask's of her...i dont know how to answer them...i want my world to always know her as the person i knew earlier...that is not her anymore...may be it was never her...i dont care! but i dont want them to know her this way...i dont want my world to know how much she has hurt me...i want to live in my world with good memories of her...the memories i can talk to them about and cherish in laughter and tears...i miss her...i miss her a lot... Listening...i was listening... and i promise to listen...no matter how long it takes for him to cross over...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Soul Conversation...

He was a pale shadow of himself...i have been trying to get over this, get over her he said...but the pain of being treated this way, the pain of being made stupid just because she know i trusted her, the pain of visualizing her real self while she was pretending and lying to me...i cannot cross over it... i just kept listening as he was once again falling apart in front of me...she even cried telling me it was all not true...how can someone go to that extend to play with someone's emotion and trust...has she never experienced real eamotion...you need to forgive my friend...we spoke about this...she did what she did, its fair that you are feeling this way, but you cannot force someone to love you...may be she did not want love at the first place...isn't that your fault? i said being hard on him a little...you were just good with yourself...why did you have to share your world with someone?...i thought i "found her" he said... Listen, this is hard, but you have to let go...someone like her does not deserve your world...you need to shut all your doors that lead into your world...rebuild it with your own hands...and allow no one but yourself into it...it is your space...only your space...a place you go to when you need it...you will miss her presence in that world but learn from this mistake my friend...isn't that the best thing to do now? You know it is...come on...lets go ok...

Monday, February 6, 2012

Its Cold

Just went for a drive...the thought of waking up again tomorrow morning to talk to my new found friend strike me hard...though talking to him, comforting him every other day comforts me...but i am afraid i am not going to be able to get him through... I feel cold...very cold..... Help me please.....

Sunday, February 5, 2012

He asks...

The real questions are all answered...the remaining questions that linger are simply of grievences...questions that dont actually need answers but more that needs to be understood...understand he can...acceptance he finds trouble...Why did she needed assurance other than mine? he asks...why did she not think of how i would feel if i found out? he asks...why did she think i was also not real? he asks...i never really knew how depression feels, just when i think i am better and out of it, the memories come back and hurt me with every beat... Listening to him, all i said was hang in there buddy...you're going to be stronger than ever soon...i am here with you...

Saturday, February 4, 2012

More Conversation...

How are you doing? I dont know, better i think... Tell me... The whole time i was fighting, trying to convince her that this is not right, though deep in i knew that she knows its not right, but i wanted to believe that she did not know it was not right, so i was fighting to convince her. And she thought i was trying to prove her guilty and she denied... Its ok, cry, let it out my friend...dont worry i am here... She denied, and denied and lied...what she did not know was she was going further and further away from my heart as i kept listening to every lie she was telling me, desperately trying to not be proven guilty...but all i wanted was to convince her, by convincing myself that she did not know...but she went on...further and further...away from where she belong in my heart..... Its ok, let it out... Nothing left anymore...i have quit...quit fighting...trying to quit everything that reminds me of this phase...i want to know where i went wrong, but am afraid to find out at the same time...what will i do when i find out...i am myself afterall... You're right, dont change a thing about you...you are yourself and its best you be yourself...you're real my friend...not many are...Hold my hands...trust me...we will get over this together...i am with you...

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

My New Found Friend

Everyday for the past 2 weeks i wake up at 4:30am to talk to him. He tells me me how he is awaken everyday at that hour by the same dream which eventually we agreed that was not a dream but the thought that he takes to sleep. He agrees that he takes the thought to sleep, not just to sleep but everywhere. All i can do at this point other than talking to him in between his sobs is listen. I listen and cry with him sometimes. I know this will pass for him but i dont know when. I know he will be a better person after this phase in his life, and i promise to be with him throughout this phase of his life, until he learns how to smile and laugh for real again.....

Conversation

The pain is so great...i have faith in myself...i will get out of this...but how did i not see this...how is it that i felt at most comfort then...i prayed that she finds her peace within...though i am in the heart of pain... I will pray for you my friend...i feel your pain...but everything happens for a good reason...have faith on the universe... Where did i go wrong...what did i not do...was it too much... You wear your heart on your sleeve...your speak your mind from heart...you were real...you are the real thing...understand now, though the hard way, that not many are for real...no matter how real they look or say...its not your fault you were real...you are always yourself For once i convinced myself to believe someone else more than myself...and look what happened...i have fallen so low that solitude scares me now...i yearn for someone and anyone to be with me now so my mind does not go to that part of my heart...and i keep asking myself... why...i am willing to help still if something is wrong...but she is in denial...even with me...why... These questions have answers deep within you...you need to find yourself back and you will find the answer...you are doing the right thing by praying for her...the same prayer will heal you...trust me my friend...i am with you...no matter how long it takes...i am with you...turn this pain into force that will take your journey further...you have a beautiful journey ahead...let that part of your heart that is filled by the pain stay there...dont work on removing it...for the pain is what will keep you going towards yourself...your real self...

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Illusion

Find your purpose or many purposes will find you, when they find you they will take you deep into the world of illusion, and you shall lose yourself, to the illusionist, that will only wake you, smiling on her success.....

Friday, January 20, 2012

Monday, January 16, 2012

Return to Yourself

It was already dark and i knew i had to stay awake until the sunrises. this time i had to, but i always wanted to, so i kind of like this commitment because it is an opportunity. As i stayed up and watched the hours go by, my mind filled with almost one thought the processing of all the thoughts, visions, rationale,logic and unfolding happened quite easily. The tough part was the digesting the truth that was, envisioning what was. But it sank in...slowly but completely. I am clear now, it was an experience i will not forget...the lessons learned and the impact of all this will stick hard in my life for a long time...I will not repeat this mistake, i will trust just myself and not let anything or anyone so close anymore that they can decide which eye i should look with...tell me what to understand...unlearn me... Why? thats the million dollar question that does not seem worth a single cent now...I have myself back and i will move on now...not hurting anyone and anything...just me back with myself, on my journey......